Raising Boys

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.



5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.



8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.



10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.



11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.



12.) Super glue is forever.



13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.



19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.



20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.



21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.



22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.



23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.



25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Playin' Church

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

Nag-Nag-Nag

A farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully from morning till night(and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. Theonly time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his oldmule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eathis lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain,nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed outwith both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed herdead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for aminute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approachedhim, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. Thiswas so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the farmer, and asked him why henodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head anddisagreed with all the men.
The farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something abouthow nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head inagreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Order in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WIT NESS : No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
WITNESS: I forgot what I didn't remember.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We two do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We two do voodoo.
ATTORNEY: You do voodoo too?
WITNESS: Yes, we two do voodoo too.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Are you kidding?
__________________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: How old is the twenty-year-old?
ATTORNEY: Yes
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Man...you have got to be shittin' me!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: DUH... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Oh God. Your Honor, Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Well it sure as hell wasn't mine!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a real full thick beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Are you crazy?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What schoo l did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________ ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that ques tion?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WI TNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Lucky to be Alive!

This young man is lucky to be alive. He's a medical miracle!!!

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2:Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
NUMBER 1 : And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen