Gotta Love the South

TENNESSEE

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

ALABAMA

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

TEXAS

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

LOUISIANA

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

MISSISSIPPI

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

GEORGIA

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

ARKANSAS

A man moved his car from his front yard to his front door. Now he could brag to his friends that he lived in a double-wide.

NORTH CAROLINA

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'



Hey, you can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

The Fruitcake Lady

This is one that I dearly love!!!

Little Old Lady

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.


Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman : I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older &nbs! p;Woman< /SPAN>: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!




The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

In Love after all these years!

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Mexican Oysters

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.

Hillbilly Midwife

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'


Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'


Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.


Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.


The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, .. . . .


'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

The Preacher and the lawnmower

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!'

Golf Balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled young
woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Raising Boys

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.



2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.



3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.



4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.



5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.



6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.



7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.



8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.



9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.



10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.



11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.



12.) Super glue is forever.



13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.



14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.



15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.



16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.



17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.



18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.



19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.



20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.



21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.



22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.



23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.



24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.



25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Playin' Church

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

Nag-Nag-Nag

A farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully from morning till night(and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. Theonly time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his oldmule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eathis lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain,nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed outwith both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed herdead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for aminute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approachedhim, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. Thiswas so consistent, the minister decided to ask the farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the farmer, and asked him why henodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head anddisagreed with all the men.
The farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something abouthow nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head inagreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Order in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WIT NESS : No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
WITNESS: I forgot what I didn't remember.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We two do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We two do voodoo.
ATTORNEY: You do voodoo too?
WITNESS: Yes, we two do voodoo too.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Are you kidding?
__________________________________ ________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: How old is the twenty-year-old?
ATTORNEY: Yes
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Man...you have got to be shittin' me!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: DUH... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Oh God. Your Honor, Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Well it sure as hell wasn't mine!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a real full thick beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Are you crazy?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What schoo l did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
___________________________ ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that ques tion?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WI TNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Lucky to be Alive!

This young man is lucky to be alive. He's a medical miracle!!!

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!

NUMBER 2:Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?
NUMBER 1 : And MY all time Favorite: best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen

Funeral Service

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather - and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, -- DO NOT DO IT!! -- THIS IS A SCAM!!

-- They only want to see you naked!!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

$50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get anothe r chance.' ;To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Honestly

I don't need another blog... I really don't... but I guess I could use this as a place to store funnies that my grandmother sends me.... she's just gotten the internet and she crashes out my box on a daily basis. I love it though... I think it's sweet. So when I get a really funny one, I'll try to remember to bring it over and post it.